Fred Fuddled’s Week of Living Frugally

• By Duncan Stearn
• Nightlife | Nightmarch | Opinion
• 99 days ago
• 5

Monday; 7:00pm

The layabout staff at the Spit On A Pig bar and restaurant were late this week with laying out the free buffet (it’s normally on the tables by 6:45pm) and so I was compelled to purchase a drink. Damned bottle of water set me back 25 baht. Bloody cheek.

Tuesday; 8:00pm

Fred Fuddled makes an entrance during happy hour at the Pissed Pelican Bar

Went into the Knobby’s Nuts A-Go-Go on the recommendation of Sylvester Smarm. He told me the house spirits were just 10 baht during happy hour. “You can’t even buy a bottle of water for that,” I told him. “Are you sure it’s not turpentine or methylated spirits they serve in there?”  My little attempt at levity.

Of course, I suspected a rat straight away. I’m sure they weren’t using the top shelf stuff, and probably only giving half-nips. I can tell you by the time I’d gone through 60 baht well...I don’t remember too much after that.

Wednesday; Midday

Saw ‘Sozzled’ Ces Poole relieving himself into the dense foliage behind the I’ll Go Slops bar in Soi 7. “Not payin’ that bitch three baht just to empty me bladder,” he said when he saw me approaching. Quite right too I told him; a man after my own heart. I’m amazed at the cheek of the natives, seeking to make a profit by charging a man for simply answering the call of nature. Hides as thick as water buffaloes these people.

Thursday; 11:30am

Perce the Pervert bailed me up outside the 39-baht breakfast place this morning (no, I’m not telling the likes of you lot where it is, you’ll only go and spoil it for the rest of us and then the management will hike the price up to something crazy like 49 baht). Anyway Perce tells me there’s a party at the Stunned Mullet bar tomorrow night, so I jotted it down in my notebook. Silly bastard didn’t know what time it kicked off and wasn’t even sure if the tight-fisted owners were going to put on a free feed. I said, if they didn’t then I hoped they’d go broke quickly; can’t have those kinds of people opening and running bars here in Pattaya. Give the place a bad name.

Friday; 1:30pm

I just love the weekends here in Pattaya. It’s the time when most of the best parties are happening and there are some great deals around in the free buffet area as well.

Take the bar I’m in at the moment. Every Friday afternoon the Flaps R Us A-Go-Go has a happy hour with draught beer at 35 baht and free sandwiches. OK, the girls on stage look a bit past their best, maybe they should change the name to Grandmothers R Us, but they’re a friendly lot and don’t ask for drinks. Well, not from me they don’t, they know I’m very careful with my money.

Saturday; 2:30pm

I’ve just had the most awful shock. I went into the Tennessee Fried Rabbit establishment in the Royal Chrome Piazza this afternoon for an ice cream, but when the young serving lass asked me to fork out nine baht I nearly went into apoplexy. My condition might well have been apoplexy, if only I knew what the word meant.

I told her, in no uncertain terms, that she must have made a colossal error as ice cream is only seven baht. The cheeky little sod, grinning like a person who’d just farted at a funeral, said there had been a price increase a few days ago. That’s unbelievable I said, “How can you justify increasing the price of ice cream by almost 30 percent in one go?”

Thankfully, the Scottish Fast Food franchise is taking care of its customer base and the ice cream, when I’m compelled to purchase it, is still only seven baht and I can read the Bangkok Post and The Nation at my leisure, as long as some other customer hasn’t got to them first.

Sunday; 3:00pm

Hard night last night. I had to work my way through no less than six establishments offering free food. I did make a suggestion to one bar owner, who I will not name, that having pig on the menu every time every bar has a party gets a tad tedious for those of us who like to participate. He said, and I’m sorry to be so blunt here: “Are you acquainted with sex and travel?” Of course I am I replied. Whereupon he said, and I quote the uncouth thug here: “Well, f*#*k off!!”

I will not be spoken to in such a fashion, so I had another plate of food, paid for my orange juice (not even real orange, just some coloured soda water; and he had the hide to charge 25 baht for it), and left. I told the staff I wouldn’t be back again for at least a week.

Sunday; 11:30pm

Well, that’s another hard week gone by. After a night of pigging out it’s all I can do to take myself off to the 7-11 at the corner of my soi and buy a couple of bottles of Beer Chang for 25 baht. I’m sure they’ve got too much of a mark-up on this poor excuse for a beer. Greedy sods.

©Duncan Stearn