Lost Password?

A password will be emailed to you. You will be able to change your password and other profile details once you have logged in.

The Missionary Position

Last issue I referred to a ‘post’ from “a person who can only be described as a moron; possibly the biggest moron on the planet.”  I was uncertain whether the author was actually a woman or a male pretending to be female and neither was the person’s nationality clear.  I have since learned it is indeed a woman and she is American.  But here is the real shock – she is a Bible-thumper!  A missionary no less.

You know, Thailand is a Buddhist country and I have lived here for a long time.  During that time I have never been approached by any monk or ordinary Thai citizen trying to convert me to Buddhism.  I respect them for that.  I freely admit that of all the world’s so called ‘religions’, the teachings of The Buddha make the most sense to me.  We do, however, have a few ideological obstacles which I fear will never be resolved; no booze, reincarnation, no meat, no booze etc.

I know a few Jewish people and never in my life have any of them tried to convert me to Judaism.  They are probably smart enough to realize I would not be a good catch.  I also know a few Hindus.  The great thing about Hinduism is that a non-Hindu can never be converted.  You have to be born a Hindu.  The reason, so I am told, is the caste system.  Your Hindu father is of a particular caste and must marry a woman within his caste.  You are therefore born into that caste and can never change it.  If that was not the case and they tried to convert me, for instance, I would not like to be randomly thrown into any particular caste.  I would choose to be a Brahman (the highest caste) and definitely pull the pin if they said I had to be an Untouchable (the lowest caste).

Moslems on the other hand want to convert the whole world.  Not only that but they tell me if I don’t convert to Islam, it is their right – nay, obligation – to kill me.  Sounds like a fun crowd to me.

Then we have the Christians.  They went through that “if you don’t convert to Christianity we will kill you” phase for a thousand or so years which I thought was very loving and compassionate of them.  Nowadays, of course, most Christians have put that winning tactic on the backburner.  Christians still want to convert the whole world but now they do it with threats.  “If you don’t convert to Christianity you will be damned and burn in the fires of Hell for eternity!”  Once again, very loving and compassionate of them.

Mostly, Christians use the ‘carrot and stick’ approach.  The stick is the ‘burning in Hell for eternity’ bit while the carrot is the offer of ‘salvation’.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  Book me in!

To get their message across, many Christian sects send out ‘missionaries’ to the far flung corners of the globe.  These people undergo all sorts of hardship and deprivation while adding an extra step on their stairway to heaven for each convert they chalk up.  In the early days, Christian missionaries were a great boon to native economies, especially on remote Pacific islands and the jungles of South American.  Fresh meat was often hard to come by in these native communities, especially meat that, when cooked just right, tasted like chicken.  Roasted missionaries filled many a native belly.

Unfortunately, cannibalism has now all but disappeared, leaving the Bible-bashing god-botherers to serve no useful purpose.  The abovementioned American female is a modern day missionary who has made it her life’s work to travel the world making snap, ill-informed judgements about anyone who doesn’t fit into her narrow mind.  For example, after being in Thailand for only a very short time, she came up with the statement, “I AM saying that Thai culture, and the global 21st century in general, is causing generations of women to turn their backs on everything God has called us as women to be.”

Words fail me.

But there still remains an upside to these meandering, meddling missionaries.  Occupying the window seat on a long bus journey, a European man in his 30’s sat in the aisle seat beside me.  He was a talker and I quickly realised he was never going to shut up.  After thirty minutes of listening to his life story I turned to him, smiled and asked, “Have you found Jesus in your life?”

I don’t think he even answered.  He stopped talking, faced the front and two minutes later moved to another seat.  I stretched out in blissful silence for the rest of the trip.  Bless him.

zp8497586rq

Leave a Reply

comments

3 Comments

  1. Dilip Mishra

    The author's polite irreverence towards the idea of spreading the faith resonated strings in my heart. However, the greatest thing about hinduism would in my view be that there is no need to get your religion certified by anyone and no religious authority to do that. You don't even have to practice your religion. In fact the issue may not even come up unless you were choosing a marriage partner, which is not often. You are automatically a hindu if you are born to hindu parents, but also if you say and believe that you are one. Recently I saw a young white caucasian in my country who was dressed like a hindu, with a brahmin's 'chutia' on his head, which is a clump of untrimmed hair left at the top of the head. He was accompanied by an Indian hindu lady in traditional dress. No one in the train gave them a second glance. I understand you can see a lot of them at religious places in Benares, Puri, Haridwar etc. Some temples may not admit them but most will.

  2. Jake

    IMHO....Secular "Political Correctness" is the bigger "threat", if you will (threat to what being of your own choosing) than Christian missionaries. I base that statement on your last two paragraphs.....very few if any have the stomach to listen to the nauseations of said "missionaries", and can be told to bugger-off with relative impunity due to their low numbers. The currently trendy, hip, popular, secular-religion of "political-correctness", championed by stupid white-chicks and their metro-sexual male companions, however are greater in their numbers these days around se asia. Stumbling into, an indignant, angry swarm of the p.c. crowd can be somewhat like